November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving is, ironically, my least favorite holiday of the year. In fact, i kind of hate it. This year turned out almost as bad as last year, but at least I’m used to it.
I’ve been thankful all year, but today I am really struggling to find gratitude. I’ve spent a good part of the morning and evening in tears. Thank God for telephones. I’ve called my mom so many times today. I’m super grateful she didn’t go anywhere this year or go out with friends. I truly needed her.
I got a long nap this afternoon. That’s something else for which I’m grateful.
I felt so alone, so isolated despite my amazing kids. I cooked for them even though I knew they wouldn’t like it. I don’t care for turkey, mashed potatoes, stiffing, or gravy. I mean, they are okay and I will eat them, but Thanksgiving is not about food for me.
I felt terrible that I couldn’t rise above my relationship problems to join them in their joy. My world feels like it is crumbling down around me some days, but my kids keep me afloat. They have done no harm, yet they will suffer in this world. Because mental illness sucks. I am surrounded by it right now. I’m through my own difficulties, but for some reason I’m still living it through others. It pains me to no end. There is nothing I can do except love and encourage, but instead I get mad and impatient.
More than anything in the world I have wanted to offer my children a normal, healthy, happy childhood. Not perfect because it doesn’t exist. Not without trial and tribulation because that’s impossible.
But I wanted them to have a mother and father that coped with the world in a healthy way. I want them to feel safe and supported. I hope even in our deficiencies that enough goodness gets through to them. That at the end of the day they feel loved.
Anyway I made it through the day. I collapsed in bed with exhaustion from taking care of everyone. I was with my kids and took care of them even though I yearned for a happier home, one without chronic illness and misery. I didn’t abandon ship when they needed me. I may not have been able to disguise my sadness, but I was still there. I’m grateful for that, too.